It kills me to think that I'm always in it alone, no matter what it is. However much you put your faith into something, somehow or rather it will most inevitably come crashing down on you. However little faith or hope you have, however miniscule or insignificant, when it falls, you ultimately crumble with it. However much we try to do it on our own, we end up putting hopes on something or someone else again. It never ends. Its a vicious cycle.

And although I admit its just human nature, that everyone goes through it, I still must say:

To the one who started it all, screw you. Bloody hypocrites.

The evils...

It's been a while. yes. It just hit me today that there will always be someone out there to make you feel that you're never gonna be good enough for anyone. There are no exceptions. Anger is the source of all evil (next to money), and when someone's angry, they'll be kind enough to bring up all the mistakes that you have done, and slam it into your face kinda like whipped cream on a pie. Only not edible. It eats you up inside.

I know you're probably gonna expect something like 'but its ok, screw you asses who try to make me feel this way, i'm not perturbed!'. But we all know that's bullshit. I feel like shit. Feel like disappearing into the ground. To wither up and just die or something. but the fact that I've been blabbing about life and how its so precious would make me sound like a hypocrite if i said i should just die. So lets see. I feel crap, want to change things. but WHY? The world's so evil. I'm evil. I'm not denying it. Not that I haven't made any mistakes. Still am. It just feels like I've just fallen and broken my leg but its not enough, so someone just accidentally drops a pile of bricks on it. You know, just in case it's not broken.

I know, you're angry. So am I. We say things we don't mean (or do mean but on normal days we're just too nice to say it out).

But it SUCKS. ARGH. @#%^*#$*@)#*(.


There. I feel a little bit better.

Starfish

This morning I woke up all groggy and having Garfield like eyes on a Monday morning. I was wondering what on earth could've made me so tired, then I remembered my dream.

I died and turned into a starfish. Of all things, seriously. So I dropped a gazillion feet from the sky and plopped into this pond, and being a starfish, well, I couldn't leave that pond. Then I died again. Drowned, in a flood. wth.

I have no idea what that means, but it sure as hell drained me out of my energy today.

Two more hours to a two week break.

And so much closer to London.

ahh...bliss :)

Another year

So it's the new year. And everyone's been blogging about it. Pardon my skepticism, but another new year just reminds me of how painful life can be.

Or how unfair it can be. And how it will always be. No matter how much we try to hide from it, it is the most inevitable fact that it is still lurking somewhere, and we choose to not acknowledge it.

For things that reminds us of the past, we lock them up in drawers, stuff them in the far ends of our closets, bury them away deep in our thoughts. For us humans, we never forget. We only choose not to remember.

So while we live life according to what we think will 'make them proud' or while we try to fit into their footsteps, endeavouring to continue what we think was 'unfinished business', and stepping back engulfing in self pity thinking how it would be like if that person was around, we (well I) sometimes forget that she's gone.

Like how I think she'll eventually be reading this while I'm typing this out.

It's almost been a year. And the memories are as fresh as ever.

Yield

Dear God, this morning when i woke up, it felt like any other morning. i felt the same way about going to work, prayed for the same things, wanted the same things.

Yesterday felt like any other yesterday, and tomorrow felt like any other tomorrow.

But as the seconds ticked away, it dawned on me that it wasn’t just another day.

Today was the day I started thinking about the yesterdays. About what I’ve done and what I could’ve done or done instead. About the people around me, about the strangers that passed me by, about the acts that people do and about things that people say.

You are the only one that knows what goes through my head every second. The guilt that never leaves me, the regret that haunts me every chance my mind goes blank, the silence that takes over, the tears that wells up over the times i laugh, smile, and talk like i am the happiest person on earth, free from worries, having the time of my life.

They’ve been telling me to let go. But it’s not as easy as it sounds is it? And the harder i try, the more i remember. And my life is almost ruled by guilt. You know i don’t speak of certain things because of it, almost as if i am not worthy. And maybe i’m not. I can’t be, not after what i’ve done, and even more so of what i didn’t do.

You said you’d forgive if we did. Would you still if I couldn’t?

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure of where i was headed. That’s probably why you had to send something smacking in my face to wake me up. It sure did, and now I am completely lost. The whys that i have been asking has finally run out.

And so the only thing that i can do now is to yield.

Happy Birthday

I remember you when I'm kneeling in front of the cross.

I remember you when I'm driving on unfamiliar roads, when you were the one I'd call when I got lost.

I remember you when I see cookie, when you'd hug her no matter how stinky she gets.

I remember you when it's August, when you'll ask us to go out for dinner, when you don't tell us you want a present. But your face lights up like a child during Christmas when we give you something.

I've been thinking about how you would be like today. I'm thinking you'd probably be complaining about how you've reached the big 3-0 and yet at the same time kick anyone who'd even try to suggest that you were getting old.

I remember you every single day.

It's been six months, but it feels like yesterday.

Every single memory recollected is so clear.

If you're happy now, it's all that matters.

But I would never know until I see you again.

And though God's gifts are greater than one could ever imagine, I still wished it'd never happened.

Happy Birthday to the one who would always be 29.

Short trip back home

I vouch never again to drink ANY sized glass of water before i go to bed.

Mom made me drink one, and I had to get up five times to pee. It's not cool.

Ah, the joy of being back home. Mom says eat this, I eat. Drink this, drink. But then again obviously i said no to her Horlicks offer while i was munching on durians.

While lying down on my bed reading my book, she barges in "don't lie down while reading a book! it's gonna kill your eyes!" whilst in the meantime, i'm already so shocked i've forgotten every single word i read in the past hour.

And i go...OKAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. and lie back down again.

Of all the most un-aligned conversations we've had, other than the stories my mom told about how she had to hold her bladder last time because she was afraid to go out in the dark because of snakes and ghosts, I think this was it:

Me: Hey dad, is that Trishaw restaurant thingy still operating? (some awesome restaurant in Simpang Pulai)

Dad: No

Me: Ow. So there's no where else that sells that fried-vege dish?

Dad: No

Mom: In Penang and Melaka still got wad...

Me (thinking to myself...HUH?! but stupidly responded anyway) : Oh, they've got a branch there?

(and i'm laughing while typing this out)

Mom: What are you talking about?

Took us five seconds to digest that we were talking about completely different things. Mom was talking about the already extinct trishaw in Ipoh (real trishaw. not the restaurant named trishaw)

My dad who doesn't laugh, snorted.

Genius.