Change

Someone mentioned in passing that I wasn’t like this compared to a few years ago. A change in appearance, change in character, change in life views. Could be anything. I brushed that comment off and said “nonsense, people don’t really change”. They grow, they don’t change.

But it stuck, and now I’m wondering if it could actually be possible. Probably not a hundred and eighty degree change, but a change nonetheless.

We all go through the motions: we wake up, go to school, work, we see friends, colleagues, we laugh, bitch, gossip about the stars and the sky, we laugh over dumb shit and cry over the stupidest things, we celebrate birthdays, Christmas and new year, and some more birthdays, we travel, hike up mountains, read countless books, and then one day, you think, how did I end up here?

And then you remember. Life. That happened. The sweet doesn’t change. The bitter does. You would not have noticed it immediately (like I didn’t), but I suppose we can always go back to that one event or some cumulative events that caused you to react, act, behave in a certain way. Like a defensive system.

Like if it works to be a bitch to block of sympathy, a bitch it is. Or if being around people makes you feel less lonely, plans after plans it will be. Or making unconventional decisions just because it would make you feel a little better, even if it attracts unwanted reactions.

Or it could all just be in the mind. If I don’t do it, no one else will. And some will say “but if you don’t afford an opportunity to others, how would you know they won’t do it?” Affording opportunities means having to wait. Having to wait means to be in anticipation. Being in anticipation means having an expectation of someone else. Having such kind of expectations are totally beyond your control, and if such expectations can only be fulfilled with some prompting, then I say there shouldn’t even be an opportunity given because it defeats the whole purpose.

 And then such mind set changes your decisions and such decisions change the way you react to things happening around you. Over time, it becomes a norm, a part of you, and eventually, you.