Yield

Dear God, this morning when i woke up, it felt like any other morning. i felt the same way about going to work, prayed for the same things, wanted the same things.

Yesterday felt like any other yesterday, and tomorrow felt like any other tomorrow.

But as the seconds ticked away, it dawned on me that it wasn’t just another day.

Today was the day I started thinking about the yesterdays. About what I’ve done and what I could’ve done or done instead. About the people around me, about the strangers that passed me by, about the acts that people do and about things that people say.

You are the only one that knows what goes through my head every second. The guilt that never leaves me, the regret that haunts me every chance my mind goes blank, the silence that takes over, the tears that wells up over the times i laugh, smile, and talk like i am the happiest person on earth, free from worries, having the time of my life.

They’ve been telling me to let go. But it’s not as easy as it sounds is it? And the harder i try, the more i remember. And my life is almost ruled by guilt. You know i don’t speak of certain things because of it, almost as if i am not worthy. And maybe i’m not. I can’t be, not after what i’ve done, and even more so of what i didn’t do.

You said you’d forgive if we did. Would you still if I couldn’t?

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure of where i was headed. That’s probably why you had to send something smacking in my face to wake me up. It sure did, and now I am completely lost. The whys that i have been asking has finally run out.

And so the only thing that i can do now is to yield.