What it means to Fly.

I looked out my bedroom window last night. It was quiet, no cars passing by, no one walking around the neighborhood. There wasn't even a cat in sight. The skies were dark blue, vast, with patches of cotton candy clouds, and staring beyond the gaps of the fluff, a glance into infinity.

As I walked into the office this morning, it was still dark, the lights on the buildings down below visible, trails of headlights glimmered on the freeway in the distance. Silence.

Both times, the same thought crossed my mind. There is definitely something more than what I'm going through right now. Something better, something more exciting, something meaningful, something touching to the core. 

Some may say "just be contented with what you have". Others "you're already better than many others!". While I say: Why are you so contented, if you know you can achieve greatness or greater things, shouldn't you be sprinting after it? Is there a ceiling to how much expectations one can have? 

Expectations. My biggest stumbling block. But why? Is it because I know I can or am able to meet the highest standard you impose on me, and therefore assume that you should be able to likewise? It's not as though I'm reaching for the stars. I've been repeatedly disappointed to the point where I think it's time my expectations be lowered. How is it to be done, this lowering exercise? I have no idea. All I know is it's going the other way. Which just means that I'm in deep s***. Because no it's gotten so high no possible normal human being will be able to reach it. How now, brown cow? 

I almost sound like I'm having a mid-life crisis. 

I guess the genius answer would be, you either stop being a normal person, or I'll have to deal with it myself and probably wither off with the nagging questions of whys and what ifs. Can't find a reason to be happy in my heartache, cause I should know better than that. #joshgroban

Just a ponder

So I'm just sitting here listening to my favourite songs of all times, including Ed Sheeran's Thinking Out Loud and Russell Curtis' Sons. And because my mind is endlessly wandering off somewhere it's not supposed to (i.e. dream/fantasy land), I thought I'd pull myself back to reality and see how much I've grown over the past year. I was genuinely surprised at myself that I have not written much in the past couple of years. I guess when you're happy and everything's good, you don't think much, and you just go with the flow of life. It's been 5 years. We ignore things and just live on as if nothing's happened.

But things happen everyday. Like how we lose people all the time. Like her, like dad, and now him. Superstitious beliefs would call for a "cleansing" ritual. To rid of "bad-luck" that befalls us. Then we mourn, and cry, and blame ourselves. For not doing enough, for not saying enough, for not acting enough. 

We think of the "what ifs" and cry some more. And we wonder, and ponder, we pause and think, and recall memories so engraved in our minds, but more so we think of the very last moments, on what could have been done. 

We blame ourselves, curse a little bit more, cry a lot, and sooner or later we run out of tears and we get on with our lives, a day at a time. 

We never forget, we just choose not to remember. 

There will be times when we scroll through old posts or pictures, or we somehow spot something that reminds us of that certain someone, and we start the cycle again. 

We think, feel, smile and cry all at the same time, as if they were still around. 

Then you snap out of it. For you know they are never returning. All that remains are memories that were created. And for that, it should be the foundation of which we live our lives. Memories.

I was right.

"However much we try to do it on our own, we end up putting hopes on something or someone else again. It never ends. Its a vicious cycle"

I wrote that in 2011. 

In 2011 I was falling into pieces.

Three years and two months later, when everything has been all said and done, and things couldn't be peachier, I'm feeling the exact same thing.

Crappy, right?

I was right back then. Means I wasn't just ranting out of anger. 

It shows that I have some level of intellect at least. 

Pfft. Such comfort I give myself. I wonder how low I will go.

Makes me wonder how a person can ever rely fully on someone else?

I probably already know the answer to that. But isn't there always hope?

xx

It kills me to think that I'm always in it alone, no matter what it is. However much you put your faith into something, somehow or rather it will most inevitably come crashing down on you. However little faith or hope you have, however miniscule or insignificant, when it falls, you ultimately crumble with it. However much we try to do it on our own, we end up putting hopes on something or someone else again. It never ends. Its a vicious cycle.

And although I admit its just human nature, that everyone goes through it, I still must say:

To the one who started it all, screw you. Bloody hypocrites.

The evils...

It's been a while. yes. It just hit me today that there will always be someone out there to make you feel that you're never gonna be good enough for anyone. There are no exceptions. Anger is the source of all evil (next to money), and when someone's angry, they'll be kind enough to bring up all the mistakes that you have done, and slam it into your face kinda like whipped cream on a pie. Only not edible. It eats you up inside.

I know you're probably gonna expect something like 'but its ok, screw you asses who try to make me feel this way, i'm not perturbed!'. But we all know that's bullshit. I feel like shit. Feel like disappearing into the ground. To wither up and just die or something. but the fact that I've been blabbing about life and how its so precious would make me sound like a hypocrite if i said i should just die. So lets see. I feel crap, want to change things. but WHY? The world's so evil. I'm evil. I'm not denying it. Not that I haven't made any mistakes. Still am. It just feels like I've just fallen and broken my leg but its not enough, so someone just accidentally drops a pile of bricks on it. You know, just in case it's not broken.

I know, you're angry. So am I. We say things we don't mean (or do mean but on normal days we're just too nice to say it out).

But it SUCKS. ARGH. @#%^*#$*@)#*(.


There. I feel a little bit better.

Starfish

This morning I woke up all groggy and having Garfield like eyes on a Monday morning. I was wondering what on earth could've made me so tired, then I remembered my dream.

I died and turned into a starfish. Of all things, seriously. So I dropped a gazillion feet from the sky and plopped into this pond, and being a starfish, well, I couldn't leave that pond. Then I died again. Drowned, in a flood. wth.

I have no idea what that means, but it sure as hell drained me out of my energy today.

Two more hours to a two week break.

And so much closer to London.

ahh...bliss :)

Another year

So it's the new year. And everyone's been blogging about it. Pardon my skepticism, but another new year just reminds me of how painful life can be.

Or how unfair it can be. And how it will always be. No matter how much we try to hide from it, it is the most inevitable fact that it is still lurking somewhere, and we choose to not acknowledge it.

For things that reminds us of the past, we lock them up in drawers, stuff them in the far ends of our closets, bury them away deep in our thoughts. For us humans, we never forget. We only choose not to remember.

So while we live life according to what we think will 'make them proud' or while we try to fit into their footsteps, endeavouring to continue what we think was 'unfinished business', and stepping back engulfing in self pity thinking how it would be like if that person was around, we (well I) sometimes forget that she's gone.

Like how I think she'll eventually be reading this while I'm typing this out.

It's almost been a year. And the memories are as fresh as ever.