One silly act...

So I did a really silly thing today. I shall not state what it is. I already told you it was silly.

But it opened an eye. Just one, cause I'm thinking I'm not all that aware yet. Call me naive, whatever, I know it's not the end.

No matter how much you try to trust a person with your whole heart, it will never happen. At certain points in life, you would have thought you had. But there will always be those tiny moments, that draw you back from fairyland, and raises little doubts in your heart. Things you see, things you hear, things that you think of, things from the past that comes back to haunt you.

And then you wonder, why is it so difficult to do so? You weren't lied to (maybe a bit), you weren't spoofed, you have everything in the world going for you, you sort of have it all. But yet, that little insecurity can spoil everything. And if that hole is not filled up quickly, it will fill up with countless, undesirable filth - whether it be the truth or not.

But the truth is that it happens. And for once, I say this act that I did was really silly. Because I do not need to see to know. I have a brain and I use it. Plus common sense and everything else that goes with it.

I have known. Since the beginning. And I have hoped, God knows, how hard, that things will change. That it will change because it is me. And it HAS to be different. Not the same, not similar, not anything like it.

It hasn't. And this silly act of mine proved it.

Contrary to popular belief, trust isn't a subjective matter. It is a very straightforward road. You trust someone, you don't question, you don't doubt. But being stupid is another thing. You try to trust, and you work so hard not to doubt, and so you believe in the stupidest excuse you receive. And do nothing about it. That's not trust.

And it goes both ways. I can trust you. But if you give me any reason to doubt you, it goes out the window. And when it does, you won't know how long you will take to find it back.

A message to those who are thinking of hiding things from whoever it is they want to hide:

"If you think you are so clever to hide things from people, make sure they are those who are stupid (as defined above). Otherwise, don't run to mama when a fireball rams up your ass."

So before it does, spit it out.

We might find it in our very big hearts to forgive.

The phrase forgive and forget doesn't exist. [emphasis added]

Forgiveness is for the one who gives.

To forget is for the person who lied/betrayed/yanked you out of your safe zone.

So who wants to forget?

Ok that was a bit mean. Rephrase: We really do want to forget, but it is just not within our power. Unless God grants the gift of amnesia. But then again I think you'd freak out once you get your memory back.

Ah the countless ways of trying to trust someone and forget the past. It is just quite impossible. Unless there is a significant change in the way things run. Again, not the same, not similar, not the like of any kind.

It just pisses you off when you think that it is finally over. But it still isn't. Because you find out, through ONE SILLY ACT, that he still cannot let it go.