It is not goodbye. I'll see you again.

You left without saying goodbye. Perhaps you didn't know. Maybe it was better this way. You spared us the extra tears that would've come if we saw you closing your eyes on us.

It's still like a blurry vision. Like it never happened. I still imagine that you're on one of your work trips, that you'll come back one day. And I'll see you, and we'll quarrel over petty issues that doesn't matter. Like how we shouldn't rub cookie's belly, or whether we should give her papaya or not because she pee-ed on your kitchen cloth that morning.

Then we'll have dinner and talk about useless things we did last time when we were young. The only time that I can remember most vividly was when we snuck out of the house, walked to Toy's World and bought ONE bar of Crunchie. It seemed huge back then. We ate half the bar each, and couldn't stop farting afterwards. And we had to keep ourselves locked in the room (and not let the fresh air in) because we couldn't let anyone mum know that we bought a bar of chocolate. Then we came up with an ingenious idea of where to dispose of that golden piece of wrapper. Out the window, onto the roof. I can't remember whether we actually did that but I know we laughed so much we were literally rolling on the carpet.

You still made me do that even when you were 25. But it was fun. You were fun to be with, despite me being such a spoilt brat wanting everything my way. (but you know you usually win).

I haven't been the best sister. You always wanted the best. And because of that I haven't been able to understand you. I didn't know how to. And now that you're not here I will never be or know how to.

You've changed so many people's lives I'm not even sure you know it. Dad cried so hard that day. He didn't want anyone of us to see it. But we all did. He never does cry, you know that. That day I thought that God doesn't listen anymore. To me anyway, and I thought that I didn't deserve to be heard. I was being selfish, I wanted you back into a life where you would suffer more than anyone of us.

Maybe you think you haven't done enough, and that's why you try so hard to please everyone and end up hurting yourself.

But like mom said, "God says it's enough. It's time to go and return home."

And I think she's right.

So I pray that you'll live in peace in heaven. I know you are already there.

If I live life good enough and be a good girl, God might give me a chance to see you again, just enough to say I'm sorry.

And I'd like that very much.