Yield

Dear God, this morning when i woke up, it felt like any other morning. i felt the same way about going to work, prayed for the same things, wanted the same things.

Yesterday felt like any other yesterday, and tomorrow felt like any other tomorrow.

But as the seconds ticked away, it dawned on me that it wasn’t just another day.

Today was the day I started thinking about the yesterdays. About what I’ve done and what I could’ve done or done instead. About the people around me, about the strangers that passed me by, about the acts that people do and about things that people say.

You are the only one that knows what goes through my head every second. The guilt that never leaves me, the regret that haunts me every chance my mind goes blank, the silence that takes over, the tears that wells up over the times i laugh, smile, and talk like i am the happiest person on earth, free from worries, having the time of my life.

They’ve been telling me to let go. But it’s not as easy as it sounds is it? And the harder i try, the more i remember. And my life is almost ruled by guilt. You know i don’t speak of certain things because of it, almost as if i am not worthy. And maybe i’m not. I can’t be, not after what i’ve done, and even more so of what i didn’t do.

You said you’d forgive if we did. Would you still if I couldn’t?

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure of where i was headed. That’s probably why you had to send something smacking in my face to wake me up. It sure did, and now I am completely lost. The whys that i have been asking has finally run out.

And so the only thing that i can do now is to yield.

Happy Birthday

I remember you when I'm kneeling in front of the cross.

I remember you when I'm driving on unfamiliar roads, when you were the one I'd call when I got lost.

I remember you when I see cookie, when you'd hug her no matter how stinky she gets.

I remember you when it's August, when you'll ask us to go out for dinner, when you don't tell us you want a present. But your face lights up like a child during Christmas when we give you something.

I've been thinking about how you would be like today. I'm thinking you'd probably be complaining about how you've reached the big 3-0 and yet at the same time kick anyone who'd even try to suggest that you were getting old.

I remember you every single day.

It's been six months, but it feels like yesterday.

Every single memory recollected is so clear.

If you're happy now, it's all that matters.

But I would never know until I see you again.

And though God's gifts are greater than one could ever imagine, I still wished it'd never happened.

Happy Birthday to the one who would always be 29.

Short trip back home

I vouch never again to drink ANY sized glass of water before i go to bed.

Mom made me drink one, and I had to get up five times to pee. It's not cool.

Ah, the joy of being back home. Mom says eat this, I eat. Drink this, drink. But then again obviously i said no to her Horlicks offer while i was munching on durians.

While lying down on my bed reading my book, she barges in "don't lie down while reading a book! it's gonna kill your eyes!" whilst in the meantime, i'm already so shocked i've forgotten every single word i read in the past hour.

And i go...OKAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. and lie back down again.

Of all the most un-aligned conversations we've had, other than the stories my mom told about how she had to hold her bladder last time because she was afraid to go out in the dark because of snakes and ghosts, I think this was it:

Me: Hey dad, is that Trishaw restaurant thingy still operating? (some awesome restaurant in Simpang Pulai)

Dad: No

Me: Ow. So there's no where else that sells that fried-vege dish?

Dad: No

Mom: In Penang and Melaka still got wad...

Me (thinking to myself...HUH?! but stupidly responded anyway) : Oh, they've got a branch there?

(and i'm laughing while typing this out)

Mom: What are you talking about?

Took us five seconds to digest that we were talking about completely different things. Mom was talking about the already extinct trishaw in Ipoh (real trishaw. not the restaurant named trishaw)

My dad who doesn't laugh, snorted.

Genius.

I miss you

My life has been so stable lately it's unbelievable. For all the loathing-my-life rants that i've had so far, this is one I'm not even trying to complain.

So going back after work doesn't seem so bad anymore. I actually am starting to want to be home. And have my stinking dog drool all over me. And follow me around until I relent. Papaya that is.

It's funny how things turn out to be. I would've never imagined in a million years that I'll be in such a state. Good one that is. I used to think it was the end, that it was the best I could have had. And being the numbwit that I am, trying to prove everyone wrong.

Then you left and turned my life over.

I still wonder whether it's because of me.

And though I will be forever grateful for this, I would never have in all eternity, traded you in for this.

If only I knew what I got myself into, maybe, just maybe, you'd still be here.

Kissing you

Sparks fly, it's like electricity

I might die when I forget how to breathe

You get closer and there is no where in this world I'd rather be

Time stops like everything around me is frozen

And nothing matters but these

Few moments when you open my mind to things I've never seen

'Cause when I'm kissin' u my senses come alive

Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find

Falls right into place, you're all that it takes

My doubts fade away when I'm kissin' u

When I'm kissin' u it all starts making sense

And all the questions I've been asking in my head

Like are you the one, should I really trust

Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissin' u

But no one, no guy that I met before

Could make me feel so right and secure

And have you noticed I lose my focus

And the world around me disappears

'Cause when I'm kissin' u my senses come alive

Almost like the puzzle piece I've been trying to find

Falls right into place, you're all that it takes

My doubts fade away when I'm kissin' u

When I'm kissin' u it all starts making sense

And all the questions I've been asking in my head

Like are you the one, should I really trust

Crystal clear it becomes when I'm kissin' u

I've never felt nothing like this

You're making me open up

No point even trying to fight this

It kinda' feels like it's love

hmm..

My blog + pictures = plain boring

I shall never do that again.

I'll try something new. I'll talk about something NICE. Ok, sounds wierd coming out from me.

But hey, at least it's a start.

I met the most amazing guy.

You know the kind that makes you smile even when you're asleep?

I must have done something right to deserve this.

:)

Cameron

Ok, I guess it's about time to beautify my blog with pictures.
 So I'll start with my lone walk in Cameron!

:)

I'm gonna see this one day.

Emo post

I wonder if people even remember why they celebrate birthdays anymore.

Or why they give presents.

I know I'm not keen on celebrating birthdays. Just because I don't think I've done enough to leave an impact in anyone or anything for that matter.

On the contrary I have begun to think that maybe if I were never in existence, some people might have a better life and even more so actually still be living.

Yes, I'm brooding over issues which I have no control over. But it is really annoying that I cannot do anything about it.

Birthdays are about celebrating the existence and life of another person. So if you're celebrating a birthday for someone you absolutely hate, you're in the wrong place.

Really, it has nothing to do with 'give her/his face since its her/his birthday'.

Same goes with a birthday wish.

Oh, my cynicism has returned, hasn't it?

I can't wait for the day I'm on leave to sleep it away.

Excuse me?

An article from The Star:

Weaker sex to get stronger role in public sector


A SPECIAL committee is to be formed to implement gender sensitisation programmes in the public sector to increase the representation of women in key decision-making positions.

bla bla bla...

You call calling us the weaker sex a step towards sensitisation????

I think it's time you looked up what sensitisation means.

Idiots.

I don't think anyone can understand how bored I am!

It's gotten to the point where I can sit and stare blanks at the screen.

And then I start thinking about going out, to malls....and then about stuff that I already have but still want to get...like another pair of shoes, some random movie, an extra piercing perhaps? hmm....

Cookie ran away for the second time in three weeks. I think she's bored too. The last time she 'ran away', mom was freaking out at home, I was stuck at work and she on the other hand, ventured all the way to the guard house wagging her tail. That idiot of a dog.

So she did it again this morning. Only that she hasn't been found yet.

Sigh.

I think I will shop during lunch.

Being too bored is no good. I start thinking bout other stuff too.

I need a hug

:(

So finally! We've sort of finished moving the stuff out from your apartment. (there still a table and chairs and a couple of cabinets left)

Now how long did that take? 3 months?

Must have a hell of a time laughing at us from up there.

I wonder how you stuffed all your things in that tiny place. And it wasn't like you stayed on your own.

But wow.

And hey, you were right all along.

And we all miss you loads.

Me myself and I

Something bout me you'd wanna know?

I

cannot live without tissues. But funnily enough, those who know me know I don't carry them with me

love my dog to bits. But complain about her every minute of the day. She does drive me insane.

cannot stand fresh pineapples. Not even the smell. They make me squirm, in a bad way.

am dying to go on a holiday without having to worry about money. A trip to the klcc fountain is NOT a holiday.

want a time machine. I don't care whether it's faulty or 'not tested' yet.

wonder why alcohol is so expensive here. Probably the reason why I'm sane right now.

have stacks of shoes in my car. Front seat, passanger seat, back seats, in the boot...

look forward to dinners. With anyone, or no one.

am a softie. Just because I yell at you doesn't mean I want you to yell back at me.

hates it when people tell me how to do things. Unless I ask of course. You can tell me what to do, just not how. If that being the case, you can tie strings all over me and make me your puppet.

get angry real fast. Be on my good side, and you'll feel very safe.

think I am in dire need of chivalry. Someone said it still exists. So it must be true, even though I have not seen it yet. Must be because I keep seeing assholes that keep growing bigger and they keep blocking my view.

xxx

For the fourth time

If I start with ' a lot of things have changed', you'd probably slap me.

Cause I think that would be my fourth post saying that.

And it doesn't really look like it has, does it?

No, I don't think so either.

But DAMN, I really wanna say it out loud!

Because if you've seen me now, you'd say I'm back.

As compared to the last two years.

Maybe a little but more intelligent.

And a little more cautious.

A little bit more suspicious and it's gonna probably take more than a line to make me trust you.

If you're talking about me being an idiot, well, you don't really have to say it cause I already know.

And much more than that.

For so much I have given, is so much that I have lost.

Of all things that I had expectations for, the best of what I got was disappointment.

But I have no regrets, only lessons to learn.

And it taught me well, for those who don't already know, liars will always be liars, and cheaters will always be cheaters.

We don't really change that much, none of us do. Its what we really are inside. Regardless of who we're with. It is a matter of how much you are willing to show. Or whether you choose to be a wimp.

It has taken too much for me to be able to even stuff it in my head.

I think I've had enough lessons this year, to last me a lifetime.

If only I could really say what I wanted, I wouldn't be writing this crap.

For the life of me, I cannot explain why..

For all the times I've said 'things have changed' and it didn't, here's when it did.

And for those who've known, it's been a hell of a ride.

It's broken me into shreds, and if I can pick them all up within a year, I'd consider myself lucky.

For starters, I think I might just be climbing out of that pile of bills which I've been so consistently shoving under that pile of old dusty files.

And this is totally random, but I had an amaaaaazing weekend.

I went to Singapore for the first time in 15 years, and to Melaka for the first time in my life!

Yes, I am a Malaysian. Don't have to give me that look.

Amazing, that I finally smiled after so long. I don't think it'll take that long after all.

Hachiko

Watching this movie made me feel like Cookie is one useless dog.

Ok, she does wait for me to come home (I think) and she's too tiny to pounce on me like Hachi does to his master, so she just drools all over my feet and starts pawing my feet.

Instead of following me to wherever she's supposed to follow me, for instance, when i say GO TO THE TOILET TO POO, she runs the other way. The only time she will follow me is to the kitchen, where the food is.

Sometimes I do think she's clever though. She barks at 7.30am sharp. Time for food. She does not care what day of the week it is.

Hachi follows his master. Cookie follows the one with the food. That's as much as she would do, as far as loyalty goes.

Love Over-rated

A million things have happened over the past two months and it feels like eternity. I have done so many things in such a short span of time, but the only thing that I haven't been quite able to do is to think.

I mean if you're talking about thinking bout things that have happened (especially the bad ones), well of course I've been thinking about it every chance I get. I'd snap myself out of it when I start fuming, or start ripping the pen that I've been writing with apart.

It is difficult to think of the good stuff when your bosses have stuffed you with work from the neck up. They have kept their promise to keep me barely alive after I returned from leave. It wasn't like I took leave to go to Maldives and walk on the beach and pick seashells ok.

I've probably changed from it all, but I'm still me. Even when some think that I'm selfish or being condescending and unreasonable and all that. But what is life if you don't get to enjoy it, basing it only upon what others do for you or otherwise? I mean damn, we'd never be happy if we were sitting around waiting for SOME guy to make us happy.

But what I've learnt, even how strong we say we are, we do need someone. Or at least I needed. But an indescretion proved that I could make it through on my own (yes, while pining for some knight in shining armour to take away the pain). As for you guys who believe in fairy tales, sorry to burst your little bubble, there isn't one. There never has been one, and there never will be. Well ok that's a bit harsh. Maybe in the beginning of some 'love at first sight' and 'head over heels' kind of nonsense, you may think that there is. Now I know there really isn't. You make your own fairytale happy ending in your head and it doesn't happen. So there, no more fairytale. Easy peasy.

Though I think the fault lies in the worldly interpretation of love. They keep showing us movies of how perfect a man can be and how exciting it is to see that hunky guy and that pretty lady gets to click with him yada yada yada. And then they get married and then the movie ends. Then we all go ga-ga over the movie and say we want a marriage like that. HELLO???? the movie ended. They'd probably end up yelling at each other every night cause the girl likes the curtains all flowery and the guy doesn't.

So someone had the most intelligent mind to tell me that love was overrated. He said that true love was by doing the right thing, even if it was a routine, even if you didn't want to do it. The world has closed our eyes on the 'right' and gave us false hopes and promises in exchange. It is sad, because I finally understood what he meant. I never saw things that way.

But when I thought about all the wrong things that I've done in the past, it wasn't that I didn't love. It was because I was stupid for not listening to the better judgement, thinking that my own way was the right one. And really guys, if anyone were to tell you to do something just because, it's not worth it.

A whiff of the past

A lot has happened in a month. And so I thought since it's about time I get rid of my gloomy looming old blog style, I'll do something different this time (partly cause I'm SO free I cannot think of anything else to do). And also because there are a few things which has to be put in writing.

Just a word of caution, I'm gonna be putting up pictures of my sister's funeral. So if any of you who has any pantang/bad luck/etc about looking at these pictures cause your weddingday/granduncle's birthday/dog's birthday/whatever is coming up, then there's this tiny white x in a red box that you can click on the upper-right hand side of this screen.

Anyways, this will be the first time I'm gonna actually talk about parts the events in my life. Without all the cynicism and all that (I try).

So before it all happened, I was happily engrossed at work. And one fine morning after the completion of a very long hearing, I walked into my office and saw this:

Courtesy of my colleagues. Azmin & Teck Wee, I will still kill you.

Really, don't ask.

Not a day after that, there was a lot of going in and out of this wretched place called Tropicana Medical Centre. It wouldn't be wretched if my sister had survived from that place. (Sorry can't help it, I have a grudge against that place).

And then that day came, the day which all of us didn't want to face but had to anyway. It's a little blurry. Except for the fact that I dreamt for weeks in a row about looking at the corridors of the hospital and the room that she was in, and how the doctors could tell us straight in our faces that there was nothing that they could do and show us signs that she was going away.

It was horrible. It still is no doubt. For the fact that I can still visually see the entire scene that morning. It is hard to believe that she isn't here any longer though. Not until it really comes and whacks me in the face. But I'd rather hold on to that small imagination that she's still somewhere, yelling at someone for not doing a good job. At least she's alright.

But ok. I'll keep my word of caution. Here are the pictures.

See. She's so pretty.

Something I got for her as her get well present. I gave it to her anyway.

Her boyfriend bought her a replica of Cookie. Everyone thought it was a real dog.

Something from her friend, Grace, who thought she could use some company.

To Aimee, Ben, Chris, Evelyn, Jasmine, Janice, Jian Bean, Kerting, Siao Hui, Tash, Yiting & Roy (if you secretly read my blog), here's the wreath that you got. It came in just in time for the mass. We thought it was really lovely so it went on the casket.

Thank you all.

 
Oh, and if you didn't know, she got baptised when she was in the hospital. So yeah, she got the death I always wanted.
 
But my sister was being my sister. She:
 
1. Made my cousin buy a very expensive plane ticket to postpone her trip to stay for her funeral.
 
2. Made me buy roses for her on Valentines Day (3x the price ok??) on her 7th day. Not 1. One each for everyone who was there. Fifteen.
 
3. Made us move all her stuff. And I tell you, her 'stuff' sounds normal. How do I put this. Um. Stuff from 1 apartment with 3 rooms moved to a two and a half storey terrace house making it FULLY furnished, equipped, in all the rooms, under the stairs, in the cupboards, shelves, drawers...you get the picture. Oh, and the 1 apartment is still furnished. Live-able. With a couch and all that. We took two whole weeks just to move. It's not done yet.
 
Chea, if you've got internet up there, I know you'll be laughing at all of us.
 
So in the midst of moving, cookie was in the way. So I had to do this:
 
 

And after that she sulked.

Sorry cooks.

It is not goodbye. I'll see you again.

You left without saying goodbye. Perhaps you didn't know. Maybe it was better this way. You spared us the extra tears that would've come if we saw you closing your eyes on us.

It's still like a blurry vision. Like it never happened. I still imagine that you're on one of your work trips, that you'll come back one day. And I'll see you, and we'll quarrel over petty issues that doesn't matter. Like how we shouldn't rub cookie's belly, or whether we should give her papaya or not because she pee-ed on your kitchen cloth that morning.

Then we'll have dinner and talk about useless things we did last time when we were young. The only time that I can remember most vividly was when we snuck out of the house, walked to Toy's World and bought ONE bar of Crunchie. It seemed huge back then. We ate half the bar each, and couldn't stop farting afterwards. And we had to keep ourselves locked in the room (and not let the fresh air in) because we couldn't let anyone mum know that we bought a bar of chocolate. Then we came up with an ingenious idea of where to dispose of that golden piece of wrapper. Out the window, onto the roof. I can't remember whether we actually did that but I know we laughed so much we were literally rolling on the carpet.

You still made me do that even when you were 25. But it was fun. You were fun to be with, despite me being such a spoilt brat wanting everything my way. (but you know you usually win).

I haven't been the best sister. You always wanted the best. And because of that I haven't been able to understand you. I didn't know how to. And now that you're not here I will never be or know how to.

You've changed so many people's lives I'm not even sure you know it. Dad cried so hard that day. He didn't want anyone of us to see it. But we all did. He never does cry, you know that. That day I thought that God doesn't listen anymore. To me anyway, and I thought that I didn't deserve to be heard. I was being selfish, I wanted you back into a life where you would suffer more than anyone of us.

Maybe you think you haven't done enough, and that's why you try so hard to please everyone and end up hurting yourself.

But like mom said, "God says it's enough. It's time to go and return home."

And I think she's right.

So I pray that you'll live in peace in heaven. I know you are already there.

If I live life good enough and be a good girl, God might give me a chance to see you again, just enough to say I'm sorry.

And I'd like that very much.

The Hard Way

Everyone thinks at one point in their life that they've learnt things the hard way.

I've learnt mine. Through the hardest way possible. But I guess I've deserved it. Through a death, and an eye opener.

Life full with laughter

Amazing song. Lousy MTV.





Would LOVE for this song to be dedicated to me.

x

Complaints

I was reminiscing the past when I found out how unfair life can be.

There are so many why questions that can be asked but I'll never know the answer to.

But I can complain!

Complaints of 8 January 2010

1. I got dragged out of a school I loved with all my friends that I never got to graduate with.

2. So now I've got friends scattered all over the place and yet not a few close enough to always keep in touch with

3. I have a fucked up life. Right now.

4. I don't understand why it is so easy to make a misery out of someone's life and take a pinch of salt and rub it in further. Is there no such thing as compassion?

5. Why can't I buy CK underwear with my salary??

(It's because being a numbwit that I am, I spend all my money before I can get hold of it.Physically.)

6. I know I shouldn't but I just went for a quickie retail therapy. It helped. For ten minutes.

7. Fuck. Now I'm in debt.

Ten criteria in becoming a modern chinese woman

Article from The Star:

Ten criteria to becoming a modern Chinese woman

Women from China must meet 10 criteria including knowing how to tackle the “mistress” problem in order to qualify as modern women, China Press reported.
According to an Internet report, women must know how to dress up and take care of their looks. They must have computer knowledge and be able to clean viruses from computers, it reported.

(hahahahahha. this is hillairious)

“Women must be able to afford a high-end car and a house. They must also cook for their partners and do the house chores,” it said.


(WTF??! I might as well marry myself then)

The daily reported that the women must be able to protect themselves if they encounter robbers.

(and remind me again why we need men?)

As more Chinese people get richer, a 32-year-old woman from Beijing said she must take good care of herself in order to “compete” with mistresses.
“I decided to take good care of myself because when I am in my 40s, I have to face the challenge from those in their 20s,” she said.

(ok I guess this if fair enough. But it's still screwed up. How come guys don't have to take care of their looks and why aren't they worried we'll go running after 20 year old boys?)

So in conclusion: Girl choose to marry boy (or vice versa), girl has to work, earn more money, clean the house, take care of herself AND clean the guy's mess......

So what does the guy do?

Guys, no hard feelings. I'm merely attacking the article, not you. thankyouverymuch.

x